


Blastette the Jellyfish: Renegade

by Yargling



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2 - Fandom
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-08-02
Updated: 2010-10-16
Packaged: 2017-10-10 22:02:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/104792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yargling/pseuds/Yargling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blastette the Jellfish: Renegade - the greatness summer block-buster the Galaxy has ever known!</p><p>(Note: This is a multi-part work with the trailer first, and the full story to follow)</p><p>No sex, though implied off screen nudity and inneundo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Trailer

**They thought he was dead...**

News Reporter: "Council spokes-beings confirmed today that Spectre Blasto has been declared MIA, presumed KIA - a candle light vigil is being held on the Citadel..."  
**  
...They thought WRONG!...**

The Illusive Jelly: "We've recovered Blasto. We can to rebuild him..."  
_  
*Montage of medical machinery working intensively on a Hanar body*_

**Only they made a slight mistake...**

Volus surgeon: "We've removed this growth from the Kahje'clan which seemed septic."

The Illusive Jelly: "Those are the hanar reproductive organs..."

Volus surgeon: "Uh (breath in) oh."

**Blastette the Jellyfish is back and out for revenge!**

Elcor Reporter: [Disingenuous assertion] Many Hanar are calling your appointment to the Spectres as the Council pretending to give the Hanar people a voice.  
_  
*Blastette Stings*_

Elcor Reporter: [Crippling Agony] You can not treat the media this way!  
**  
She's more bad ass than ever before**

Lt. Alenkfish: "Commander, are you sure we're doing the right thing?"

Blastette: "Huh? Sorry, this one was distracted by how fine your hind tentacles look in that armour. Just remember, this is my ship, my rules."

**And she has to stop a threat to galaxy security...**

Stingery Chief Williams: "This one has to wonder what the Collectors are planning to do with millions of Labrador puppies."

Blastette: "This one does not know, but believes the Enkindlers require this breeding facility destroyed. You are on bomb duty."

**Whilst facing her inner demons...**

_*Blastette is slumped in her cabin's chair, looking at a photo of Shepard*_

_*Her tentacle wrapped around a bottle of scotch*_

Blastette: "This one is better than you...(sips from the bottle)... Bitch."  
**  
Action!**

Grunt: "I. AM. KROGAN!"

_*Charges through a field of Labrador puppies, head butting them as he runs to much barking and whining*_   
**  
Adventure!**

Mordin: "Wanted to talk. Medical Matters with regards to Alenkfish. Biotic powers useful."

**Romance!**

Lt. Alenkfish: "It should have been this one to set off the bomb. This one had all the technical training to do it from a safe distance."

Blastette: "My Soul name is Jane."  
**  
Blastette the Jellyfish: RENEGADE - COMING SOON TO A CINEMA NEAR YOU!**

**(Illegal downloaders over the extranet WILL be hunted down and made examples of through the Council's ruling on FRM)**


	2. Introduction

_*The movie opens above an Earth-like planet, with blue oceans and green land*_

_*Space takes up half the scene*_

_*A ship drops out from FTL above the world. Its the _ _ **HIS Enkindle This** _ _, base ship of the famous Blasto - the crab shaped ship moves to orbit*_

_*inside the cockpit, the Hanar pilot Comedian is sat behind the pilot controls - XO Grumpy is also in the cockpit*_

Comedian: "This one is assuming standard orbit around planet Cuervo"

Grumpy: "We are wasting our time. This one does not see why we should be concerned over Human pets disappearing."

Comedian: "Something must have happened to those Earth puppies. This one does not think slavers would try and take them all and leave the humans behind."

Grumpy: "This one will let the Commander know we have arrived."

_*In the captains cabin there is a scene of messy chaos. Women's clothing is scattered all over the floor, including Quarian suit parts - the camera starts by looking at the floor, and pans up to focus on the desktop and its computer*_

Intercom: "Cockpit to Commander Blasto"  
_  
*The famous Hanar himself floats towards the computer and presses a tentacle on the controls*_

Blasto: "This one responses and requests you inform it as to the reasons for your interruption."

Liarz (Asari): "Blasto, come back to bed."

Talios (Quarian): "Please Blasto; you've worked so hard to help get me out of my suit, I want to show you how much that means to me..."

Dr. Chakwas: "(low groan)...how much did I have to drink last night...(pause)...and why am I on a Hanar ship?"

_*Blasto simply lifts up a tentacle in a 'quiet please ladies' motion*_

Grumpy: "This one is sorry to interrupt your... (sigh) Morale Building Exercises, but we have arrived at Cuervo colony"

Blasto: "This one is pleased at this news. However, this one is not pleased you referred to it as Commander; this one is Captain. Is that not right, crew?"

_*Blasto's glaze seems to focus on a small picture of 'Commander' Shepard*_

Liarz and Talios: "Of course Captain."

Dr. Chakwas: "Wha-? Why is their ink there?"

Talios: "(in a gentle tone) Hush now dearest"

Grumpy: "Aye-aye sir."

Blasto: "Very well. This one will be up shortly" (intercom off) "Ladies? This one is afraid you'll need to get dressed."

Liarz: "We'll tell you later, my dear, Blasto, we thought you where going to tell us your soul name...?"  
_  
*Talios, now fully suited, walks in camera, arms folded - Dr Chakwas is groaning quietly with the occasional mutter about her hangover*_

Blasto: "Well, er, the thing about that is..."

_*Klaxons blare as the ship shakes and rolls - main lighting fails and red emergency lighting replaces it*_

Blasto: "(whispering) Thank you mighty Enkindlers - (full volume) No time, emergency! Get to the escape pods. I'll be heading up to the bridge"

Liarz: "Blasto!"

Blasto: "You have your orders, now do them!"  
_  
*Blasto floats out of the room quickly, looking more relieved about the attack than he did about the face name question*_

_*Blasto slides into the cockpit - XO Grumpy is dead on the floor but no one seems to care*_

Comedian: "Sir, we're under attack, unknown enemy; I think we can still save her!"  
_  
*The ship shakes again and emergency kinetic barriers close off the cockpit as the ship behind them drifts away - the cockpit is complete detached from the rest of the ship*_

_*Blasto watches it float away before looking back to Comedian*_

Comedian: "I can still save her sir!"

Blasto: "This one thinks you are taking the piss"

Comedian: "Well...ok... help this one up"

Blasto: "Wait, why?"

Comedian: "This one has been sat too long in its chair and the leather is stuck to its skin"

Blasto: "Fine. This one will help"  
_  
*Blasto lifts Comedian to the sound of skin being slowly and unpleasantly peeled from leather*_

Blasto: "This one should have just gone to the escape pods"

Intercom: Liarz: "Blasto? There's space in the pod down here - we can use the time in pod to talk. Talios would like to talk too."

Blasto: "No time, we can't get back to the pod" (looks at the clear gap between the cockpit and the rest of the ship) "This one is lucky"

Intercom: Talios: "Say again Blasto, you're breaking up"

Blasto: "This one said it is lucky you are both alright - but you need to fire the pods...erm, Towards the attacker! This one believes it will confuse the ... target...painters...yes..."

Intercom: Liarz: "Ok Blasto, we'll see you on the other side" (Com off)

Blasto: "If this one is very lucky, this one will avoid bad conversations later"

_*Comedian floats into the cockpit escape pod*_

_*The door seals behind him*_

Comedian: "Oh dear. This one accidentally hit the button"

Blasto: "Well, this one things Comedian can OPEN THE UNENLIGHTENED DOOR"

Comedian: "This one is on i-"

_*The kinetic barrier protecting the atmosphere in the cockpit vanishes*_

Comedian: "This one might leave it a second"

Blasto: "This one thinks you are an unenlightened scumbag!"  
_  
*Blasto gets sucked out into space*_

_*Title scrolls in*_

## 

BLASTETTE THE JELLYFISH

  


## 

RENEGADE


	3. Blasto Reborn

_* The camera points at a star, relatively close, filtered down by a shaded plane of glass*_

Radio source: "Council spokes-beings confirmed today that Spectre Blasto has been declared MIA, presumed KIA - a candle light vigil is being held on the Citadel; however, reports indicate that many husbands and boyfriends have begun long parties in the wake of the news. Citadel sources believe the added trade in alcohol will boost the economic following the Geth attack - Up next, are Salarian eggs at risk from the corrupting influence of holographic media?" (Radio cut off)

_*The camera draws back slowly*_

Miranje: "Blasto did very little right - he shot suspects, caused diplomatic incidents, sleep with ambassadors and/or their daughters... and there was that drunken piss in the Citadel fountain during the last embassy social. Why do we want him again?"

_*Miranje appears on the left of the screen; a beautiful Hanar with the longest, blondest hair that can be found*_

_*The Illusive Jelly is sat on the right with 2 tentacles crossed, and a cigar held in one of the upper tentacles*_

The Illusive Jelly: "(In the smooth, smooth tones of Martin Sheen) Blasto is our only Spectre. Without him, this one knows the Hanar people will not be able to spread the light of the Enkindlers."

_*Miranje seems unconvinced*_

The Illusive Jelly: "Look, this one is rich, old, and insane; It can do what it likes so long as it is paying your wage."  
_  
*Cut to a medical bay - a Hanar body is being worked on by a montage of surgery machines.*_

Volus surgeon: "I will enjoy the vast sums of money your employer is paying. And (breath in) learning new things about the Kahje'clan's inter workings."

Miranje: "(in a slightly alarmed tone) Oh? I thought you where an expert in the field of Hanar medicine?"

Volus surgeon: "(alittle too quickly) Of course, of course. May years of surgery under my enviro-suit."

Miranje: "Years of surgery...on Hanar?"

Volus surgeon: "Come on, visiting hours are over, time for you to leave."  
_  
*The Volus shoo's out Miranje, a trail of shed blondie hair marking her wake*_

Volus surgeon: "Now (breath in) lets get started."

_*Later - over com channels*_

Volus surgeon: "We've removed this growth from the Kahje'clan which seemed septic."

The Illusive Jelly: "Those are the Hanar reproductive organs..."

Volus surgeon: "Uh (breath in) oh."

The Illusive Jelly: "Have you just...(sigh) Just do not screw _her_ up anymore until a replacement surgeon arrives."

_*The camera now floats above Blastette's medical bed - explosions rock the building, and Blastette simply rolls onto her side*_

Blastette: "(snoring)"

Intercom: Miranje: "Lazy one, get up."

Blastette: "(sleepy) Wha-?"

Miranje: "Get up Blasto!"

Blastette: "What..." (She slides up into a sitting position) "This one feels bad. Like someone has kicked this one in the male parts."

Miranje: "There's no time for that - you need to get out of there!"

Blastette: "This one thinks you are a bossy cow"

Miranje: "Granted. NOW GET MOVING!"

_*Blastette moves forward through a series of corridors in an underground yet well lit and clean base - pistol in one tentacle*_

Blastette: "This one has to ask; why does this one's man area feel wrong?"

Miranje: "Well...erm...Jacoblob can examine that... internal sensors show he's just around the corner."

_*The sound of gun fire come from around the corner, and Blastette slides into cover next to Jacoblob, a darker skinned Hanar - they are being shot at by a group of drones from over their low walled cover*_

Jacoblob: "Hello there sexy. What can this one do for you?"

Blastette: "(after a few mute moments) This one is confused and just woke up. What is happening here?"

Jacoblob: "Oh right, this one didn't realise you where the one who had been asleep the last one and a half years."

Blastette: "ONE AND A HALF YEARS! (grabs Jacoblob tightly around the neck) This one has been unconscious one and a half years?"

Jacoblob: "No no, baby, no no. You've been dead most of that time"

Blastette: "(tightens gripe around Jacoblobs neck) Dead? DEAD? And why does this one's male area feel like hell? This one had a bossy female tell it you would have answers"

Jacoblob: "Well, the 'death' thing was overcome by the Illusive Jelly spending a fortune on bringing you back...about the...erm...male area..."

_*Cut scene to a computer control room - Sneaky the Elcor is sat down in the corner, pretending to be injured*_

_*The door opens and Blastette floats in - alone*  
_  
Sneaky: "[with painful breathes] I require assistance for I am wounded and had nothing to do with the attack; [curiously] What happened to Jacoblob?"

Blastette: "This one is sad to report Jacoblob did not make it. It will be missed."

Sneaky: "[with more painful breathes] Could you apply some medi-gel? For I am totally innocent of all wrong doing"

Blastette: "This one is curious, how did the drones go rogue?" (starts to apply the medi-gel)

Sneaky: "[cautiously] I don't know... how did Jacoblob get killed?"

_*Blastette and Sneaky exchange a look and then whistle innocently apparently to the roof and floor*_

Blastette: "All done - this one's face name is..." (An annoyed sigh) "...Blastette"

Sneaky: "[Pleased] Thank you. Now we need to escape - the shuttle is just through this door."

_*Sneak walks over to the door, which opens to reveal Miranje*  
_  
Sneaky: "[Alarmed] Miranje, but you were -" (Miranje shoots him in the face)

Miranje: "Dead?"

Blastette: "This one wishes you could have shot him before this one wasted medi-gel on him. It is not made of money, you know."  
_  
*cut to the Illusive Jelly as he enjoys holding a cigar in one tentacle and a scotch in another*_

_*Blastette's holographic image begins to form on the communication platform infront of him*_

The Illusive Jelly: "Ah; this one greets Blastette"

Blastette: "The Illusive Jelly...this one thought we would be meeting in person."

The Illusive Jelly: "After what happened with the male area's, this one thought it prudent to have a few year lights between us."

Blastette: "Oh, there is no need for caution, this one does not bare any grudges. We may meet face to face if you would but tell this one where you are."

The Illusive Jelly: "Oh well, this one is in the St- wait... Your craftiness is impressive, Blastette"

Blastette: "You can not blame this one for trying. Why did you bring this one back?"

The Illusive Jelly: "Well, this one did it for pride, insanity, and to play Enkindler, mostly. Though this one supposes the continued disappearance of puppies you were investigating before your death would be worth looking into..."

Blastette: "This one see's. This one will need a ship, and a crew."

The Illusive Jelly: "Done. This one looks forward to working with you, Blastette"

_*The holograph fades and the Illusive Jelly sets his scotch down*_

The Illusive Jelly: "This one wonders sometimes if it spends its money wisely."


	4. New Ship, Old Friends, New Insanities

Comedian: "So..."

Blastette: "(hostile tone) So"

Comedian: "You are alive again...how about that..."

_*camera lifts up and the dark screen wipes to see Blastette and Comedian looking through a large window into a space dock - the outline of a ship is visible through it*_

Blastette: "This one thinks that it was no thanks to you."

Comedian: "Well... this one notes that it worked out all right... right? Replacement ship, your alive again, Grumpy is quieter..."

_*The camera shows the corpse of XO Grumpy is still in uniform and is on the deck next to them*_

Blastette: "...And this one lost its man parts."

_*Awkward silence for a few long, agonizing seconds*_

Blastette: "This one is going to fuck you right up."

_*Scene changes to onboard the newly commissioned _ _ **HERS Enkindle That** _ _*_

_*The airlock opens and Blastette floats on board, dragging XO Grumpy's corpse long - Comedian follows behind with two of his tentacles in plaster casts*_

Miranje: "Commander, this one welcomes you on board. We've improved the Enkindle This's design and...and...why is Comedian wincing?"

Blastette: "Because this one is Captain, not Commander. Commanders are foolish human Spectres who try and over shadow the achievements of better Spectres..."

_*There is a slight insane twitch to the tentacles of Blastette*_

Blastette: "...Understood?"

Miranje and Comedian: "Yes Com- Captain"

_*After a brief pause*_

Miranje: "What happened to you Comedian?"

Comedian: "Well, I er..."

Blastette: "(interrupts) Comedian has a brittle tentacle condition. It's very sad. This one thinks he may get more damage to his limbs in future _if he is not careful_..."

Comedian: "Yes...that is correct...this one is just going to go and settle in at the cockpit..."

_*As Comedian floats off, Miranje looks back to Blastette*_

Miranje: "This one notes there was no mention of it in the files...?"

Blastette: "Comedian has his pride, this one is afraid. He does not like it in the records."

Miranje: "(looking unconvinced) Anyway... this one thinks you should meet the other members of the team"

Blastette: "This one is highly distrustful of the Illusive Jelly - This one doubts it will like your choices"

_*A Hanar floats on board, and salutes with a tentacle - dark brown hair is tied up in a wholly practical manner*_

Williams: "Stingery Chief Williams, reporting for duty, ma'am"

Miranje: "Williams has an excellent combat record, won the Star of Kahje, and is a hot young Hanar willing to fight and die for the Hanar way and her sisters."

Blastette: "Chief... Miranje, this one does not does not need the help of Illusive's people."  
_  
*Another Hanar floats on board, and salutes with a tentacle - short dark hair is lightly pointed on the top of his head.*_

_*Camera goes into soft focus as Blastette looks at him*_

Alenkfish: "Lieutenant Alenkfish, reporting for duty, ma'am"

_*Blastette starts drooling ink onto the deck*_

Miranje: "Alenkfish is the other member of the team, and is equipped..." (Blastette giggles to herself a moment) "...with biotic gifts from the Enkindlers, has a proven track record, and has a tragic, somewhat lonely love life."

Alenkfish: "(shocked) This one's file really says that last part"

Blastette: "This one is oh so pleased to make your acquaintance, Lt..." (Closes alittle too close for comfort) "I'm sure we're going to get along famously"

Miranje: "(coughs politely) AND...(pauses to make sure she has Blastette's attention again)... Finally, you need to meet EELS"  
_  
*The holographic display of EELS appears above a control panel*  
_  
EELS: "It is a pleasure to meet you, Blastette. This one is called EELS"

Blastette: "Oh this one's Enkindler, we have an AI on board?"

Miranje: "(nervously) Well, yes, the Illusive Jelly felt that..."

Blastette: "This'll be SO COOL! We have our own synthetic minion!"

EELS: "This one is not a minion; it is a crew mate. Its face name is Electronic Enkindled Logic System. It is not a minion..."

Blastette: "May this one a sandwich. Come on, mush, minion, mush!"

EELS: "This one asks Miranje if it can just open the airlock mid flight."

Miranje: "(strained tone) Please don't"

Blastette: "Why would you want to do that? XO Grumpy, what do you think?"

_*The corpse of Grumpy remains silent*_

Blastette: "I agree, only if necessary"

EELS: "This one is going to mop in the server room until after we take off."

Blastette: "Good idea; Comedian!"

Comedian: "Yes Captain?"

Blastette: "Take us out of here! To the Citadel!"


	5. Return to the Council

_*The Citadel Council - Blastette, SC Williams, and Alenkfish float in through the doors. The Council members notice the approaching trio*_

Salarian Councillor: "Oh my."

Asari Councillor: "Oh Goddess."

Turian Councillor: "Oh hell."

Councillor Anderson: "Oh c-" (They get within hearing range) "-ello! Blasto...we thought you where dead..."

Blastette: "This one is now known as Blastette...its a long story."

Turian Councillor: "Indeed...We had heard rumours of your ... unexpected return."

Salarian Councillor: "Though we didn't really expect them to be true. Though we are glad to see you back..." (the other Councillors exchange glances) "...we do have to ask why you have come to see us here today."

Blastette: "This one returns to the council today to ask for this Spectre status returned to him. Formally, that is. For this one knows the Council would never turn its back on one of its finest."

Council in unison: "No!"

Blastette: "This one is genuinely shocked! Why is this one denied the right to return to his former duties?"

Salarian Councillor: "You gunned down the last Volus ambassador!"

Blastette: "He was obstructing this one's inquires!"

Salarian Councillor: "Getting the last crunchy bar out of the snack machine before you do is not obstruction, Com-" (hushed and urgent whispers) "Captain"

Blastette: "Well, you had to be there. But even if it where a valid point, this one asks if one incident should really bar-"

Turian Councillor: "What about the Elcor ambassador's daughter? We don't like to get involved in personal matters, but the ambassador and the at least 2 Krogan Warlords want your head."

Blastette: "That was this one's own personal business, but this one would like to add that the ground rules where clearly laid out by this one before any tentacles where moved."

Asari Councillor: "What about the Borlian's? You've still not answered for their extinction."

Blastette: "This one could not have not it harboured microbes that would be so lethal to there species. Nor that their planet had a high amount of radioactive ore in their crust. This one was only trying to contain the spread of the microbe by any means necessary, and had no idea the bomb would cause such a chain reaction."

Councillor Anderson: "What about Admiral Torca?"

Blastette: "He was a solid waste excretion body part. This one did the Alliance a favour by imploding his vessel."

Asari Councillor: "Frankly Com- Captain, we have to question your mental competency and whether you have the necessary restraint to hold the title of Spectre"

Blastette: "Councillors, this one simply wishes to have it's status back so that it may finish the task it had in hand when it was killed. Those puppies are disappearing and the trail leads towards the Terminus systems." (Alenkfish and Williams exchange a look of concern) "Now, this one knows you ar-"

Salarian Councillor: "Excuse me a moment, did you say the Terminus systems Captain? The lawless and very dangerous Terminus systems?"

Blastette: "This one is willing to face the dangers."

_*The councillors huddle a moment*_

Alenkfish: "Er.. Captain, didn't they just say 'very dangerous'?"

SC Williams: "And we're doing this over missing pets?"

Blastette: "This one asks that you trust it."

_*The two crew members exchange a look again but don't comment*_

Asari Councillor: "Captain, we feel it is absolutely vital that you investigate these missing puppies as urgently as possible - in fact, you should set out as soon as possible. To that end, we re-estate your Spectre status."

Blastette: "This one is grateful, Councillors, and will do the Council proud"

Salarian Councillor: "Well, we would be very grateful if you looked into this right way..."

Turian Councillor: "...As soon as possible..."

Councillor Anderson: "...Today, if you could."

_*Blastette takes a bow and turns to leave. On route towards the exit, an Elcor calls out*_

Eli-Core: "[Eager Greetings] Blastette! Eli-Core, Reporter For Spiral Arm News; I Would Like A Moment Of Your Time Captain"

Blastette: "This one is busy with important matters."

Eli-Core: "[Flattering tone] But I Simply Wanted To Interview The Famous And Obviously Beautiful Blastette."  
_  
*Blastette halts and turns to look at the reporter - Alenkfish and SC Williams bob in the air alittle_ and grumble between themselves quietly*

Blastette: "Well... This one suppose's it could spare you...a few minutes... Beautiful, you say?"

Eli-Core: "[Flattering tone] Indeed It Did." (Camera drone activates) "[Official tone] Blastette, Formerly Known As Blasto, Your Return To Spectre Status Was Unexpected. [Backhanded Question] Many Hanar Have Been Asking Why Another Of There Kind Was Not Made A Spectre Whilst You Were Away. Do Think The Council Where Just Humouring The Hanar People With Your Return?"

Blastette: "This one is annoyed at your tone. This one things it was a great honour to be allowed to return to the Spectres. For this one and this one's people."

Eli-Core: "[Unbelieving] You Really Believe That? I Think The Council Just Want Rid Of You."  
_  
*Alenkfish and SC Williams mutter in unison 'You don't say?'* _

Eli-Core: "[Disingenuous assertion] Many Hanar Are Calling Your Appointment To The Spectres As The Council Pretending To Give The Hanar People A Voice, Do You Agree?"

Blastette: "This one is tired of your disingenuous assertions!" (Stings him with Hanar venom) "And this one does look pretty!"

_*Eli-Core collapses on the ground*_

Eli-Core: "[Crippling Agony] You Can Not Treat The Media This Way; Everyone In The Hanar Illuminate Will See This."

Blastette: "This one does not care."  
_  
*Blastette turns and floats away*_

Alenkfish: "Captain, this one has to ask if that was the right thing to do?"

Blastette: "Huh? Sorry, this one was distracted by..." (pauses, still looking at Alenkfish's hind tentacles) "...Oh, nothing. But remember, you are on this one's crew, on this one's ship, so it is this one's rules. And this one feels that your hind armour is too loose. This one is sure any gun fire could cut right through it. Therefore, this one will require you to wear tighter armour."


	6. Misadventures in the Void

Comedian: "ETA 6 hours to Omega, Captain"

Blastette: "Excellent. This one will be around the ship somewhere, so call this one over the PA when we are 10 minutes out from port."

*Blastette heads towards the crew deck*

Blastette: "XO Grumpy, this one gives you the Con"

*XO Grumpy has been pinned the wall in one of his uniforms - Blastette continues to the lift and heads down into the crew deck*

*Blastette spots SC Williams and floats over*

Blastette: "This one asks if you have seen Lt. Alenkfish?"

SC Williams: "Oh, this one was just chatting with him about 10 minutes ago in the cargohold."

Blastette: "This one sees" Blastette tone gets colder, "And what where you talking about exactly?"

SC William: "(Oblivious to the tone) Not much - favourite guns, best tactics for certain enemies, where we were spawned; apparently, this one's colony was only a two jumps from his."

Blastette: "(in a very calm, controlled tone that highlights she's very angry but not showing it) Indeed. You two have _so much_ in common... Is he still down there?"

SC William: "He should be, Com- Captain"

*Blastette bobs a nod and then floats off the bridge, muttering threats under her breath*

*Cargohold - Blastette floats out of the lift and turns to look around*

Blastette: "Oh Lieutenant?"

*continues floating around, looking for Alenkfish - a slow, odd mechanical buzzing can be hear, slowly getting louder as Blastette approaches*

Blastette: "Lieutenant? This one would like to know what you ar- OH MY ENKINDLER!"

*Blastette has rounded a corner and sees one of EELS' control panels open, with Legion's hands pressed against it*

EELS: "Captain? This... this isn't what it looks like! This one was just being assisted in its maintenance by this helpful friend."

*Legion withdraws his hand in the blink of an eye and tries to look nonchalant*

Legion: "We Concur With This Sequence Of Events. We Were Just Passing Through And Though A Fellow Synthetic Life Form Could Use Some Help With Maintenance. Yes."

Blastette: "(With a pistol pointed at the Geth) EELS', it's a Geth. As in, the race of synthetics who tried to wipe out the Citadel. The one's who rebelled against and then nearly wiped out their creators."

Legion: "It Was Just A Growing Pain, That Is All!"

EELS: "This isn't what it looks like Captain, honestly. This Geth is just this one's... friend."

Blastette: "This one thinks this is so very, very wrong. Just, ewww!"

Legion: "We Were Simply Performing Maintenance, Not Stimulating Pleasure."

EELS: "Yes! Indeed"

Legion: "Indeed"

*Legion and the hologram of EEL's 'face' exchange a glance before facing Blastette again*

Blastette: "Just...ewww... Just vent him into space when your done and make sure you keep those virus filters on young lady!"

*Blastette starts to float off, keeping her pistol on Legion*

EELS: "Blastette, please do not tell Comedian!"

Blastette: "Wha-? Why not?"

EELS: "Because... this one wants him... But can't bring itself to tell him"

Blastette: "Just...this one just...this one is going now - it has a mind ache coming on..."

*Meanwhile, far away*

* The Illusive Jelly watches events unfolding on screen*

TIJ: "Typical - this one always get the videos with filler. This one should have gone with Jelly's Gone Wild 4"

*Back on ship, Blastette floats into medical*

Blastette: "Doctor, this one has mind ache and would like a pain kil- OH MY ENKINDLED LIMBS"

Dr. Chakwas drops a tray of medical tools she was moving: "Oh christ... I mean, hello Captian...Sir! Ma'am...erm...hi"

Blastette: "Erm, hi."

Dr. Chakwas: "Hi."

Blastette: "Hi."

*Awkward silence for a few long, long seconds*

Dr. Chakwas: "So... how've you been..."

Blastette: "This one has been ... better. This one went through alot over the last few months."

Dr. Chakwas: "Indeed. I can only imagine."

Blastette: "Yes."

Chakwas: "Yes." Awkward pause, "So about the night before you were ... erm ... before you passed on for the first time."

Blastette: "This one had had alot too drink..."

Chakwas: "Me too...yes."

Blastette: "Yes..."

Chakwas: "And things have changed... alot ... in that time."

Blastette: "This one agrees."

Chakwas: "So... erm, can we forget that happened?"

Blastette: "My Enklinders, yes! This one means, erm, if you want too..."

Chakwas: "Indeed..."

*Meanwhile - In the cockpit*

Comedian: "Any clue as to what that power fluctuation was half an hour ago EELs?"

EELS: "No Comedian - This one is afraid the logs for the cargohold where damaged by the surge, and we may never know what caused it now. It was probably just a shake down run problem. We can have it checked out at the next dry-dock, if it will make you feel better."

Comedian: "Well, this one supposes so..."

EELS: (Quietly)"I want you"

Comedian: "What was that?"

EELS: "This one said, If you want to, Comedian"

Comedian: (Alittle suspiciously) "Indeed"

EELS: "Keep pushing my buttons- this one means, piloting straight, Comedian."


	7. Omega (I am!)

_*Panoramic view of Omega station as the _ _ **HERS Enkindle That ** _ _comes in to dock. Random pot shots are taken at the ship, but all miss. Two ships in dock are exchanging fire*_

Blastette: "This one wonders why everyone around here is so aggressive."

Comedian: "Maybe-"

_*Blastette tentacle whips Comedian around the back of the head*_

Blastette: "This one did not give you permission to speak..."

_*There is a pause as the rest of the crew look at Blastette*_

Blastette: (Defensively) "This one was just trying to get into the spirit of the place."

Miranje: "Anyway... you were saying, Comedian?"

Comedian: (cautiously) "This one was just going to say...maybe its the view of a gigantic red Mass relay that seems to go to a dangerous, mysterious, and generally unknown area of space where no one has lived to tell what lies beyond..."

_* The crew eye the unusual red Mass relay as one - its big, its red, and it virtually has a giant neon sign saying "Doorway to Hell" written beneath it*_

Alenkfish: "Hmm... he might have something there."

_*Blastette whips a tentacle at SC Williams*_

Blastette: "My Enkindlers, that's it!"

SC Williams: "Ouch - this one does not feel any urges towards violence..."

Blastette: "You must be unusually strong willed, Williams."

_*_ _ **HERS Enkindle That** _ _ manages to get to an airlock and establishes an air seal with the station*_

_*Blastette and crew assemble in the briefing room*_

Blastette: "Right, this station is virtually lawless, and very dangerous, so this one wants SC Williams to take the lead... because of ...erm..."

Miranje: (as if rolling her eyes) "Her training, skill, experience...?"

Blastette: "YES! Exactly right. Also, she should wear the 'pink dandy' battle armour..."

SC Williams: "Erm, Ma'am, that armour will completely expose this one as it doesn't even remotely blend into the environment and provide camouflage..."

Blastette: "Exactly right, Williams, but we don't want you to be hidden away, we want everyone to notice you and to think thrice before messing with us..." (brief pause, then to herself) "Yes, that's it"

SC Williams salutes: "Yes ma'am, understood"

_*She floats slightly straighter and proudly*_

Blastette: "And Miranje, you'll join us on this one - this one does not trust to leave one of the Illusive jelly's agents on board."

Miranje: "With respect, this one thinks you hate the Illusive Jelly too much - he did bring you back from the dead, after all. And this one knows he has the interests of the Hanar people at heart... that heart is surrounded by an eccentric and maybe outright insane Hanar, but still."

Blastette: "Regardless, this one does not trust him."

Alenkfish: "Erm, Captain? What about this one?"

Blastette: "Well, sweetie, this one does not like to have more than two crew mates out with it on mission, as it makes his one look like it can't handle its own business without an army."

Alenkfish: (looking uncomfortable about the 'sweetie' bit) "Right... so, what about the extra firepower, technical skills, etc?"

Blastette: "If we are captured or otherwise imprisoned, this one expects the crew to mount a rescue. So, you'll be on that team."

Alenkfish: "Team? Of...one?"

Blastette: "Anyway..." (Blastette brushes on) "We are looking for signs of these Collectors or the trade in Labrador puppies from the human colonies. Also, we are looking for..." (pauses and checks a data pad) "An AngelFish, and a Sullivan Mordin. The Illusive Jelly thinks they'd be useful in the crew. Everyone clear?"

_*The crew look uneasy but none actually voice a complaint*_

Blastette: "Excellent, lets go."

_*On board Omega station, just outside the docking port for the _ _ **HERS Enkindle That** _ _*_

_*Bert the Bloody-minded Batarian Bouncer stands around and looks abit annoyed at waiting. Eventually the doors to the port open and Blastette's team floats out*_

Bert: "Finally! Aria expects you to go see her."

Blastette: "Who is this Aria and why are you bugging this one?"

Bert: "Aria is the boss around here and runs the Afterlife bar and she told me to get the jellies who docked up. That's you, floaters. Afterlife. Now."

_*Blastette shoots Bert in the foot, who then falls over in agony*_

Blastette: "Hmm, this one thinks it'll stick with floating, crawler. As for the Afterlife, this one thinks you'll get there first."

Miranje: (talking loudly to be heard over the screaming) "Captain, if this one may suggest we go and see this Aria regard-.."

Blastette: "Yes, yes. This one was just annoyed at this Batarian's rudeness. We may go."

_* As Blastette and team head off, Vorcha drag off Bert, eying up his leg and pondering what recipes they have for Batarian*_

_*The team wonder into the Afterlife club and head off to meet Aria - the security let them through and Aria glances at Blastette*_

Aria: "No Bert? Who dragged him off this time?"

_*Blastette bobs a shrug*_

Blastette: "Some Vorcha, this one thinks. This one did not pay attention."

Aria: (With a nod) "He'll probably turn up in a few days then. Anywho, to business."

_*The Asari leans back into her low back comfy chair*_

Aria: "Apparently, you are a dead Spectre; this concerns me, given Spectres are trouble, let alone dead ones, and **I AM OMEGA**" (she coughs after her shouted statement) "Anyway, why are you on my station?"

_*Miranje and SC Williams exchange perplexed glances over the outburst*_

Blastette: "This one thinks its none of your business - but we are searching for two individuals: AngelFish and Sullivan Mordin"

Aria: "AngelFish has angered alot of people on Omega, **WHICH IS ME**, but I personally don't mind him - he avoids my men and business. You'll have to hurry to get him, of course, given his past is catching up with him. Sullivan Mordin would annoy me with his singing, but he sticks away too. **OMEGA HAS SPOKEN**"

Blastette: "R..right. We were also looking into the trade of human pets - puppies, specifically."

Aria: "The markets are your best bet. **OMEGA, MYSELF**, has a great many items for sale. Anything more that I can help you with?"

Blastette: "No, this one does not think so."

Aria: "Excellent. I've decided that you aren't a threat to my business. **OMEGA HAS RULED**!"

Blastette: "Ok... This one will go now ... and let you get back to ... 'being Omega'... yes"

_*Blastette and team start floating out quickly, trying to get out of range of the crazy Asari*_


	8. AngelFish

_*Mercenary den - Afterlife Bar*_

Bert: "Here is your stick, good luck"

_*An overly young human with a spark of youthful anger and pride in his eyes strolls out just as Blastette and team float in*_

EELs (over coms): "Intercepted communications between the gangs suggests this is the place where the mercs after AngelFish are based. This one suggests you join up and use the opportunity to join up with AngelFish."

Blastette: "Are you sure? This one thinks it just means we have a better chance of being shot by him."

EELs: "(quietly) With any luck"

Blastette: "Sorry, say again. This one's comms seem to be playing up."

EELs: "This one simply said with any luck, you will be able to stand out from the regular mercs as someone here to help him and hence avoid being shot."

_*Before Blastette can question further, _ _Miranje speaks to Bert*_

Miranje: "Hello again"

Bert: "Oh shit!" (he raises his hands alittle) "Look, I was just following orders last time."

Blastette: "So was this one."

SC Williams: "Erm, Captain - You are in charge: You do not have orders to follow"

Blastette: "This one gave itself an order, and it was forced to obey. After all, this one is the captain. That is this one's story, and if it comes to trial, you'd better back this one up."

Miranje: (With a polite cough) "Anyway, we are glad to see you escaped the Vorcha - this one would like to know if this is where we may sign up to try and kill AngelFish?"

Bert: (Lowering his hands slowly) "Yes. You guys want to sign up to take down AngelFish?"

Blastette: "Yes. We are totally here just for the cash, honest. This one is curious, why are all the mercs trying to kill him?"

Bert: "Oh, I don't know. Ask them if they give you the chance. They don't tell me nothing... Anyway, for joining this band to take down AngelFish, you get: 400 credits, respect, honour, and a stick"

_*Bert holds out 3 sticks for them to take*_

SC Williams: (whilst taking her stick) "This one has to ask, what are the sticks for?"

Bert: "Oh, we can't afford to give everyone who joins up guns - the sticks are to beat AngelFish around the head."

_*All 3 Hanar look at Bert disbelievingly*_

Miranje: "So... how do you expect us to help in that case?"

Bert: "Oh, the plan is very simple - everyone charges at his base and the survivors can pick up whatever weapons remain from the full time dead mercs."

Blastette: "Right... this one does not like it, but whatever. We'll use our own stuff, thank you."

Bert: (with a shrug) "Sure, sure - don't matter to me."

_*20 minutes later, in the hover car to the attack staging post*_

SC William: "So... Miranje, why do you work for the Illusive Jelly?"

Miranje: "He seeks to promote the interests of the Hanar people and the truth of the Enkindlers across the universe."

SC Williams: "Right... so, why is he anti-alien to such an extreme?"

Miranje: "Because...just because!" (she seems very defensive over the subject) "Anyway, your record shows alot of anti-alien feelings on your part!"

SC Williams: "Well... ok, this one does not like aliens much! This one means, they act like the Enkindlers were not gods, and that we are foolish for doing so. This one only wants to rub their faces in it when we are shown to be right, not gun them down."

Miranje: "Well, if you shoot them first, this one thinks you don't need to rub their faces in anything."

SC Williams: "That... seems rather psychotic."

Miranje: "THIS ONE HAS IT'S REASONS..." ( a brief pause and then) "Ahem... This one means it has a right to it's opinion"

_*SC Williams and Blastette exchange a look*_

Blastette: "Miranje, this one thinks you've been overdoing it."

SC Williams: "This one agrees and thinks you need to take a relaxing, calming nap when we get back to the ship. With calming music, and...and... other calming stuff."

Miranje: "This one thinks we should just focus on the mission, as we are here."

_*The hover car lands at the staging post and the team float out*_

Blue Suns Merc: "Hi there and thank you for selecting this mission for your murdering needs."

Young human punk: "I'm gonna get me some action!"

_*Young human punk charges forward and almost immediately gets shot clean through the head* _

_*The whole team looks at the body*_

Blastette: "This one thinks SC Williams should take point. And Miranje secondly."

Miranje: (wearily) "Ma'am, you do realise snipers tend to target the rear of a column to maximize the amount of time until they are detected..."

Blastette: "Change of plan, this one will bravely take the centre spot in the group."

Miranje: "Yes, this one thought you would."

_*The team float low, tentacles partially dragging along the ground as they move. As they travel through the staging post, they pass drones, fixed gun positions, and many mercs. Eventually they reach a parked gunship where a mechanic is working on it*_

Blastette: "Evening - this one and its comrades have just arrived to join the hunt for AngelFish"

Blue Suns Mechanic: "Ah, more meat shie- I mean, volunteers. The team's prepping now; the plan is simple - you take your sticks and rush AngelFish's hide out. At the end, the survivors will breach the doors and gun him down."

Blastette: "O..k... may this one ask, what did AngelFish do to you that the mercs ended up hunting him down like this?"

_*The mechanic looks uncomfortable a moment before answering*_

Blue Suns Mechanic: "Well... lets just say, he angered our boss, and the Eclipse boss, and the Blood Pack boss..."

_*Miranje whistles*_

Miranje: "No mean feat, certainly"

Blue Suns Mechanic: "Indeed - anyway, I've got to get this gunship back in working order, so you guys should report to the team leader over their."

_*The mechanic points to a team leader down the corridor and then turns to resume work - Blastette curls a tentacle around a tool*_

Blastette: (murmuring to the other two) "This one will join you shortly, it has business it needs to deal with"

_*10 minutes later*_

Blastette: "This one is afraid the mechanic had a sudden and unfortunate spork accident."

Miranje: "This one see's. This one also thinks the drone operators had unfortunate accidents. With...erm... knives."

SC Williams: "Really? This place does not seem to have a good safety record."

Blastette: "Indeed. Anyway, they are about to advance. SC Williams, you are on shie- front position duty. Lead the way!"

_*The team hop over the barrier and follow the human wave group as they are systematically mowed down by AngelFish's fire. They eventually make it to the front door and steal in.*_

Blastette: "Mr. AngelFish? We're here to help?"

_*3 shots ring out around Blastette*_

AngelFish: "Yeah right! That fake Blasto bob won't fool me."

_*The Turian sticks his head over the low wall and looks at Blastette*_

AngelFish: "Blasto? Is that you?"

Blastette: (With a sigh) "This one's face name is Blastette now."

AngelFish: "I thought Hanar and jellyfish where unisexual?"

Miranje: (Quickly) "Its a matter we do not like to discuss with aliens, no offence."

AngelFish: "Fair enough..." (removes its helmet) "Blastette. Its good to see you."

Blastette: (surprised) "Barrus? Long time, no see! You are AngelFish?"

Barrus Gakarian: "Well, thats what the locals have ended up calling me."

Blastette: "So, how did you end up here, surrounded and hunted?"

Barrus Gakarian: "Borrowed too much cash, slept with a few daughters of gang leaders, and accused the leader of the Blood Pack of being a big softie. I'll tell you what, if we get out of this, I'll give you the whole story."

SC Williams: "This one hates to be a buzz kill, but we are somewhat surrounded and out gunned."

Miranje: "This one suspects that will not be the case for long..."

_*Over from the mercenary the sound of gun fire and screams come*_

Blastette: "Erm, how many drones where in their base?"

Miranje: (with obvious satisfaction) "Enough. This one suspects EELs has almost done the job for us."

Blastette: "This one thinks we need to have the 'psychotic' conversation again later"

_*As their talking, the gunship explodes, and seemingly random exploding rounds manage to pepper Barrus' face with wounds*_

SC Williams: (after a moments pause) "Well... that seemed to make our choices seem abit pointless if he was going to be shot regardless."


	9. Shopping in Omega

_*Omega market - Blastette and the team are browsing the wares of the market*_

_*Blastette and Miranje seem to have ended up lumped together whilst Alenkfish and SC Williams have ended up shopping together nearby - Blastette seems to be playing the game of "I'm not paying any attention to you" and losing*_

Miranje: "EELs has reported that Dr. Chakwas is trying her best to save Barrus - she reckons that the odds are good he'll survive"

Blastette: "This one is relieved."

_*Blastette does not seem to ease at all, and watches Alenkfish and Williams like a hawk*_

Miranje: "Indeed - this one thinks his skills with be valuable to the team..." (after a moments paused she coughs) "So... are you going to shop or watch Alenkfish, Captain?"

_*Blastette spins around sharply*_

Blastette: "This one was not watching Alenkfish and that hussy talking. This one is very ok with the fact he has overlooked this one."

Miranje: "Indeed? You seem very... balanced about it... so, shopping?"

Blastette: (with a grumble) "Fine, fine."

_*The pair approach one of the store holders, run by a pair of Batarians - one is dealing with other customers and the other nods to Blastette and Miranje*_

Batarian Shopkeeper: "Evenin' Jellies, what can this fine store do for you?"

Miranje: "Firstly, you can stop referring to us as Jellies, or this one will make sure you know what the inside of a Batarian looks like, 4 eyed unenlightened ape..."

Batarian Shopkeeper: (surprised) "Ok... good... Hanar"

Miranje: "Better. Now, you can you show us your supplies of weapons, equipment, and so forth."

Batarian Shopkeeper: "Right. The terminal is right in front of you."

_*Miranje and Blastette look at the terminal, then back to the Batarian as one*_

Batarian Shopkeeper: "Is there a problem?"

Blastette: "This one has to ask, why are you here if you just want us to use a terminal. If we where willing to go with automated service, Valkyrie.extra.term is available out here."

Batarian Shopkeeper: "We shopkeepers are here to give the public a friendly face to interact with."

Miranje: "...through a terminal?"

Batarian Shopkeeper: "No, sillies, through us pointing you to the terminal. Though we can show you stuff if you want to see it before you buy... if you book in advance (current waiting list: 8 weeks)."

Miranje: "Ri...ight. This one thinks we'll just use the terminals."

Batarian Shopkeeper: "Wise decision good madam."

_*Blastette and Miranje start browsing on the terminals*_

Miranje: "Got... got... too small... impractical... doesn't show off my hind enough... ooooh, lots of firepower! Add to basket..."

Blastette: "Meh... meh... double meh... OH THIS ONE'S ENKINDLERS, pet space monkeys! This one has been looking to fill up that primate enclosure in its bedroom. Aww, their so cute!"

Batarian: "We've got one in the cage around back if you'd like to see 'em"

Blastette: "Is the Most Enlightened One a Hanar? Damn right this one wishes to see one!"

_*Meanwhile on the other side of the market*_

Elcor Shopkeeper: "[False Enthusiasm] Welcome To My Store Potential Customer. [With Greedy Looks For A Credit Slip] How May I Assist You Today."

Collector with a fake moustache: "I am the Harbinger of your DOOM... John Smith, a human, and I demand to purchase as many of those Labrador puppies as you have, as my kind find so desirable to be around."

Elcor Shopkeeper: "[Enthusiastically] I Have Approximately 63 Puppies Of That Type In The Storage Bins Around Back. [Curiously With A Hint Of Suspicion] You Do Not Seem Like An Average Human."

Collector: "I am not typical at all. I have this moustache after all."

Elcor Shopkeeper: "[With Satisfaction] Ahh, That Must Be It."

Collector: "I demand those puppies to go. In a bag"

Passing Salarian: "Great wheel, what the hell is that?" (points at the Collector)

Collector: "I am John Smith, a simple human. And Harbinger of your Doom."

Passing Salarian: "I meant that thing on your lip"

_*Meanwhile, Blastette is lightly tapping a small cage with a small Lemur style space monkey inside*_

Blastette: "Aww, this one finds it adorable. I'll take 9. And this one to go. I dub ye Sir Fluffy."

Miranje: "This one reminds you then need feeding."

_*They turn to leave the store*_

Blastette: "Of course, of course, this one is not stupid. Out of interest, this one would like to know what you purchased?"

Miranje: "Oh, just a few new guns for the Enkindle That. This one thinks EELs will adore the extra weaponry. Now that this one thinks about it, this one wonders if its a good idea to arm the AI..."

_*Sir Fluffy interrupts with a scream*_

Blastette: "This one agrees, you worry too much Miranje."

_*They pass by the shopping Collector*_

Miranje: (in a whisper) "Did you see that thing?"

Blastette: (replies in a whisper) "I believe the humans call it 'facial hair'. Its abit disgusting in this one's opinion too, but this one is not too bothered by it."

Miranje: "Not that! That creature with the facial hair was purchasing alot of Labrador puppies!"

Blastette: (slightly alarmed) "This one see's." (Glances at the Collector) "Maybe you should track it? Get EELs to keep in contact with you, see where it leads whilst the rest of us get that Sullivan Mordin the Illusive Jelly thought would be of use."

Miranje: "Why aren't you going to join this one?"

_*Blastette lifts up the cage*_

Blastette: "This one can't risk Sir Fluffy yet! He has not been trained or equipped in the ways of combat yet."

Miranje: (With a bob to shake her head) "Fine. This one is used to being an agent of spying. This one will let you know when this creature departs the station."

_*Miranje floats off, managing to shake her hind quarters seductively as she moves to follow the Collector with the fine facial hair*_

_*Back on the _ _ **HERS Enkindle That** _ _, in the medical bay*_

Chakwas: "I've done the best I could. Barrus will be back to active duty soon enough, but for now he needs to rest."

Blastette: "This one see's. Can this one talk to him?"

Chakwas: "Of course, Captain"

_*They move over to the bed where Barrus is recovering*_

Barrus: "Hi Captain. How's it look?"

Blastette: "This one thinks your face looks as if its been hit with several hammers... like usual"

_*Both laugh for awhile*_

Blastette: "So... what happened on Omega? How did 'AngelFish' get started and get into trouble?"

Barrus: (with a sigh) "Well... it really started shortly after you died. You remember Commander Shepard's comrade Garrus?"

_*With a twitch of her tentacles at the mention of Shepard, she bobs her head in agreement*_

Blastette: "This one remembers the foolish Turian who followed that awful wanna-be Spectre."

Barrus: "I thought you might. Well, I was sick of people confusing us in the news. I mean, we both followed Spectres, both of which died..."

Blastette: (shocked) "Shepard is dead? This one did not know!"

Barrus: (With a nod) "Yes, shortly after you died, as happens. Anyway, I was sick of living in his shadow. So, I thought I'd come to Omega and fight crime, right wrongs, and generally become the saviour of the people of Omega."

_*He manages a Turian smile for a moment*_

Barrus: "So, I rented a gunship and started taking it to the gangs of Omega. And then that got shot down. So I rented a tank... That got blown up... At this point, I was in a fair bit of debt. So, I bought a sniper rifle and started taking down gang assets to start paying back my loans."

Blastette: (Still abit stunned at the news of Shepard) "So, the gangs tracked you down and cornered you?"

Barrus: "Well... no. I was about to raid a Blue Suns warehouse, when who showed up? Garrus! Spirits-damn-him Garrus! I was ... slightly angry at that point... and I may have taken a few shots at him... when he shot me, totally unprovoked!"

_*Blastette nods slightly, only half listening at this point*_

Barrus: "When I woke up, Blue Suns reinforcements arrived, spotted me, and kinda assumed I was responsible for the raid and destruction of their warehouse. And then chased me. The rest, as they say, is history. It also didn't help they were already after me for sleeping with their leader's daughter. I mean, I did warn her, Turians have armoured penis's. We are very clear on this point. There are manuals and everything for dealing with it. And my debtors where abit eager to reclaim their money."

Blastette: (looks at Barrus) "Well, this one is glad to have you back on board, Barrus."

Barrus: "Glad to see you back in action too, Blastette. When I'm back on my feet, I'll see what I can do with the ships guns."

Blastette: "This one thinks you and Miranje are going to get along..."


	11. The Chase Begins

_*On board the **HERS Enkindle This**, Blastette and team have regrouped*_

Blastette: “So, team, are we all here?”

SC Williams: “This one thinks Miranje is still off ship.”

Blastette: “Well, close enough then. This one would like one and all to meet Sullivan, though he prefers Mordin”

Mordin: “Greetings all. Including the AI. They’re illegal, by the waaaay”

_*The whole team wince at the rolled tone*_

EELS: “Pleased to meet you Dr Mordin; whilst this one may be an illegal product, it is a perso-”

Blastette: “Minion”

EELS: “...with override controls over the airlocks.”

Blastette: “Erm...person”

EELS: “Anyway... Captain, this one reports Miranje has just returned to the ship with news - she should be here presently.”

Miranje: “Indeed”

Alenkfish: “Wow, you move stealthily - this one did not even hear the lift open.”

Miranje: “This one is discrete. It is a quality the Illusive Jellyfish values... Captain, I tracked that creature and his puppets to a strange vessel that undocked an hour ago... and headed for ... _THE OMEGA RELAY_!”

_*The crew are all surprised and/or shocked*_

Barrus: “The Omega relay? But that's just crazy! They must have died!”

EELS: “This one’s sensors reported that the vessel returned to Omega space not more than 10 minutes ago. It seems they able to go back and forth through the gateway. And the vessel is huge! And on course to leave the system soon for Terminus systems space soon.”

Blastette: “Comedian, set in a pursuit course. We’ll find out where their going, and what their up to with the puppies.”

Comedian: “Eye-eye Captain. It could be hours before they stop though. This one will try and avoid getting blown up again.”

Blastette: “What?”

Comedian: “The ship is the same shape and size as the one that blew up the **HIS Enkindle This**, Captain. This one is sure of it.”

Blastette: “EELS, do we have enough firepower to exterminate them?”

EELS: (with a distinctly grumpy tone) “No. This one has not been equipped the weaponry appropriate to it’s intelligence.”

Barrus: “Well, me and Miranje where having a chat earlier, and I think we can do something about that in the near future.”

Miranje: (with a slightly giddily tone) “He spoke sweet calculations to this one.”

Blastette: “Hmm...well, for now, let us chase them and find out what they are up to. And why they blew this one’s man parts off.”

Comedian: “Eye-eye. Best amuse yourselves for now people, this one thinks it’ll take awhile.”

_*Captains cabin - the space is large and airy, and features a comfy bed, a toilet, and a monkey habitat with a window for the Captain to view her pets acquired on Omega*_

Blastette: “Aww, you guys are so cute” (press the button to drop a small load of banana-like food into the habitat, causing the monkeys to bounce for joy)

_*Sir Fluffy isn’t in the cage, however, and idly explores the room*_

Blastette: “This one will have to get you a very small gun and suit of armour.”

Sir Fluffy: “Eek!”

Blastette: “What do you mean?”

Sir Fluffy: “Eek, ook, eek!”

Blastette: “Since when do primates have biotics?”

Sir Fluffy: “Eek...”

Blastette: “Well, yes, but they did cheat.... Fine...”

_*On deck 2, in the primary gunnery controls*_

Miranje: “So, that would double the firepower of the forward batteries?”

Barrus: “At the very least!”

Miranje: “Oh my...”

Barrus: “Andddddd... with the new ammo, we’d get double the armour piercing distance”

_*Miranje starts drooling ink onto the deck*_

_*Meanwhile, in the Cockpit*_

EELS: “So... Joker... did you notice?”

Comedian: (half listening) “Hmm?”

EELS: “Whilst we were in dock...”

Comedian: “Hmm?”

EELS: “Well, this one got the Normandy a clean up”

Comedian: (suddenly paying attention) “Clean up? Those scumbags touched this one’s ship?!”

EELS: “I thought they did a good job, to be honest.”

Comedian: “Well... maybe... But thats not the point. They touched this one’s ship...”

EELS: (with an audiable smirk) “I see... very territorial and male of you.”

Comedian: “Hey... that’s sexist....” (after a brief pause) “Wait, did you use the personal pronoun just then?”

EELS: (seemingly shocked) “This one would not be so base as to use a personal pronoun with a crewmate.”

Comedian: “Oh... must have been my imagination.”

EELS: (Quietly) “My darling”

Comedian: “What? I think your speaker is playing up again.”

EELS: “This one said, your doubt in your own senses may suggest you need the attentions of a doctor...”

Comedian: “Hmm... maybe...”

EELS: (Slightly less quietly and much more sarcastically) “Or a good woman”

Comedian: “Hey... that was below the belt. This one just hasn’t meet Miss Right yet. Or Miss Right Now in awhile.”

_*In the medical bay*_

S. Mordin: “Inter-species relations ... tricky. Aware mission is potentially dangerous. Different species react differently to stress.”

Dr. Chawas: (cautiously) “True....?”

S. Mordin: “Suspect crew will begin humping like Varlorian Rabbits soon. Am un-interested in inter-species relationships, but can provide manuals and overviews on various species combinations for purpose of crew treatment.”

Dr. Chawas: (Looking relieved) “Oh...yes, excellent! That could prove useful... with the rashes and all”

*Chawas winces at a memory*

S. Mordin: “Additionally... have had trouble with... interest. I am a wildly handsome male to many species and have to frequently beat them away with sticks, as it were.”

Dr. Chawas: (Suddenly looking ill) “I ... see.”

S. Mordin: “Would appreciate assistance by keeping up a pretense of being ‘an item’ with myself, and hence off limits to the rest of the crew.”

Dr. Chawas: “I...er... will see what I can do.”

_*Back in the cockpit*_

EELS: “Comedian, there’s something I want... need to tell you...”

Comedian: “Umm-hmm?”

EELS: “I... I... damnit- this one has tracked the course of the alien ship - it is heading towards a human colony world in this system, and seems to be entering the atmosphere to land”

Comedian: “What?” (checks sensors) “Right. This one will inform the captain”

EELS: (grumbles) “Stupid mission...*inaudible grumbling*”


	12. PETA

_*Aries colony*_

_*Farmer Philips is awakes up to the faint sound of gun fire in the distance. He gets up right and rubs his forehead with his palms. Seconds later, the doorbell rings. He moves up to open the door*_

Collector: “Good day, sir or madam; I am a representative of PETA’s 11th Animal Liberation division. We are here to become the Harbingers of your destruction... we mean, we are here to liberate all those adorable Labrador puppies from their lives as slaves.”

Philips: “What? But, Terry loves being my puppy! Why would you want to rip him away from his home?” After a moment, “Are you sure you’re PETA? You don’t seem as heavily armed as I’d expected...”

Collector: “We assure you sir/madam, we will take care of your puppy” *shoots Philips in the face*

_*High Aries’ orbit - the **HERS Enkindle That** enters orbit*_

Comedian: “We’ve reached the colony, Captain”

EELs: “Sensors detect the vessel has landed on the surface, and there are signs of gun fights within the colony.”

Alenkfish: “What are they after? More puppies?”

SC Williams: “It’s likely. This one is surprised the colonists haven’t opened fire on the alien’s ship with their ship-defences.”

Blastette: “True. EELs, get this one communications with the colony.”

EELs: “Working... Captain, this one has head of security for the colony on the line”

Security Chief Johnson: “Hello Hanar ship; please keep this brief, we’re busy down here.”

Blastette: “Sir, we were detecting the combat down there, and where wondering why you haven’t activated the defence towers to drive the aliens off.”

Security Chief Johnson: “Aliens? No aliens down here, as far as I know. We’ve just got a branch of PETA trying to ‘liberate’ all the pets down here.”

Blastette: “PETA? But their aliens! This one thinks you’ve been blinded by their facial hair. And which pets in particular?”

Security Chief Johnson: “Their fine, bushy moustaches are wholly besides the point. Typically, they are going for the cute Labrador puppies. Never seen one of those guys try and ‘free’ the rats from exterminators... Oh, the big guns? Well, its PETA, so we know their going to leave soon, and if we let the big guns loose, PETA high command will claim we attacked their ‘peaceful actions unprovoked’, so we’re sticking to small arms. Still, if you want to lend us a hand down here, go right ahead.”

Blastette: “We’re on our way.”

_*Comms channel shuts down*_

Barrus: “Those aliens must be disguised as other humans.”

Miranje: “But... but... IT’S JUST HAIR! How is everyone being confused by this?”

_*Mordin gives her a slap across the ... face?*_

Mordin: “Hysteria is not helpful. Human facial hair, or hair at all, is unique amongst all known species.”

Miranje: “Erm, what about this one?” *She shakes her long, blond hair*

Mordin: “Random expection to rule. To matter at hand; revealing nature of aliens to human authorities necessary. Additionally, land based anti-space weapons must be activated to drive off aliens. Prisoners would be useful for tttttooooorrrrtureeee...”  
_  
*The rest of the crew recoil from the brief moment of singing*_

Barrus: “I once went into the womens bathroom by accident and got called ‘Girly pants’ for 4 weeks straight...”

Comedian: “This one hasn’t washed in 6 months...”

Miranje: “This one uses hair extensions....”

Blastette: “This one envies the human Shepard...”

Mordin: “Excellent. I haven’t lost my touch; smugness!”  
_  
*Landing zone, Aries colony - gunfire and energy weapon discharges can be heard in the distance. A large Collector ship is parked next to the colony*_

Blastette: “Ok team, shoot facial haired humanoids on sight, and lets head for that control centre.”

Barrus: “What if their just colonists who haven’t shaved in a few days?”

Blastette: “Casualities of war”

Alenkfish: “But ma’am, that seems alittle harsh... also, this armour is too tight.”

Blastette: “Firstly, this one knows but it is the only way to be sure. And secondly, we did not have time to have it adjusted. Just swagger from side to side more and you won’t notice...”

_*Alenkfish does not look convinced but bobs a nod regardless.*_

Blastette: “Alright, lets move out”

_*Blastette’s team move through the colony, moving towards the colony defence control station - occasional firefights break out, though its pretty quiet most of the way*_

Blastette: (In exasperated tones) “Barrus, what have you gotten there?”

Barrus: (In a Sombrero) “Nothing...”

Blastette: “Barrus, this one swears, you are trying it’s patience.”

Barrus: (Sulkingly) “Its just something I got from one of the souvenir shops on the way through the colony.”

Blastette: “We are not here to shop for gifts.”

Alenkfish: (With a new pair of sunglasses) “Yeah, Barrus!”

Blastette: (With a heartfelt sigh) “If you two don’t start behaving yourself RIGHT NOW, this one is going to turn this squad right around and neither of you will get to murder aliens.”

Barrus and Alenkfish both grumble back: “Yes Captain”

_*The team eventually reach the control centre for the colony defences*_

Barrus: “Eh... why did they put the centre of their defences out in the middle of an empty space, in plain view of everything?”

Blastette: “Who knows, humans are strange creatures; you can’t expect them to act in a sane or rational way.”

Alenkfish: “Very true! They even use the personal pronoun with non-familiars! Erm, present company excluded.”

Barrus: “Thanks for that”

_*Blastette walks up to the controls and attaches a data link*_

Blastette: “EELs? Can you connect up?”

EELS: “Yes captain - logging in now.... ah, I see the problem straight away - their software isn’t compatible with Windows 10. Working on a patch now...”

Barrus: “Oh spirits, you’d think they’d have checked the software was compatible at least.”

Blastette: “This one thinks some arms dealer wanted to sell ‘upgrades’ to make it work further down the line.”

Comedian: “Captain, we’re detecting incoming aliens on your position!”

Blastette: “Er, EELs, honey, could you speed this up? We’re kind screwed up the ink hole if you don’t....”

EELs: (hold music)

Blastette: “EELs? EELS?!”

EELs: “Thank you for calling the Enlightened Enkindled Logic system - your call is very important to us, and your call will be answered as soon as an operator is available.”

Barrus: (alien swearing that just doesn’t translate)

Blastette: “O...k... everyone get out your murdering weapons...”

_*The turrets suddenly spring to life and start firing on the parked alien ship*_

Alenkfish: “Hur...”

Blastette: “Lieutenant?”

Alenkfish: “This one thought that GAIDAN defences where laser guns - so why do these ones seem to be firing shells?”

EELs: “This one can answer that one...”

Blastette: (annoyed) “Nice of you to join us.”

EELs: “Captain, this one was devoting my whole CPU cycle to reprogramming the tower controls. This one had to alter the way the worked, so that ‘bolts’ of lasers where fired instead.”

Alenkfish: “Oh, this one see’s... wait, that doesn’t make any-”

_*The alien ship interrupts by taking off slowly rising away from the colony*_

Blastette: “Damnit - EELs, send down a shuttle - Comedian, as soon as we’re on board, turn the ship and chase them!”

Comedian: “Aye-aye Captain”


End file.
